2023/2024

Nothing like a new year to get me writing.

I can’t remember ever having a bad year in 40 years. Sure, some years have been better than others, but I always felt like I could count on having an okay year at the very least. So imagine my surprise when I got dealt the stage 4A cancer card on my 41st year on earth. It’s like fate decided that I’m overdue for a bad year and 2023 took up the challenge.

This year, I spent a total of 35 days in the hospital, approximately 50 hours in emergency rooms, and untold minutes in waiting rooms. I had three major surgeries, two minor(ish) procedures, three blockages and an ileus from a finicky ileostomy, three full-dose chemo cycles, a broken elbow, about a dozen CT scans and x-rays, and Lord knows how many needle pokes for blood tests and IVs.

I suffered so much. I grieved for who I was and, for a while, could no longer fathom a future for myself. Most of all, I was scared beyond measure—of leaving the people I love too soon, of the great beyond, of being forgotten.

But despite the pain, uncertainty, and fear of this year, I was also on the receiving end of some of my life’s greatest blessings:

• Receiving a prestigious writing award and graduating top of my class

• Luckily being put in the care of the doctor who really advocated for me because we caught the cancer just in time

• Ending up with my brilliant surgeon/oncologist and having successful surgeries

• The privilege of living in a country where I never have to worry about paying for treatment

• My employer not giving up on me and supporting me, even when I was poorly and performed badly

• Becoming more financially secure

• My family going above and beyond to take care of me

• The most amazing nurses ensuring that I never feel less than a human being during my hospital stays

• Spending time with our Dubai family right here in Calgary

• Learning to bake bread and make better music

• Losing 25 lbs. without trying (LOL)

• One of my besties coming to visit and having a great adventure as a result

• My best and truest friends doing their darnedest to keep my spirits up through the worst of it from thousands of miles away

• Finding Miss Calliope and loving her

• Marrying my best friend and the love of my life

• Being declared NED (no evidence of disease)

• Ending the year healthier and in less pain than I’ve been in the last two years

• Being immeasurably loved

Indeed, it’s a better list than my ugly laundry list of gripes, which leads me to believe that Someone Out There, fate, the Universe, a karmic blessing, my spirit guide, or my guardian angel still has my back. Because of that, my gratitude surpasses whatever resentment I may have had, and I’ve become a firm believer that silver linings do exist.

I will always have cancer hanging over my head—it’s simply the nature of the beast. I will continue to be scanned, poked, and prodded in the foreseeable future. I will be terrified out of my mind each time. But I will also never take for granted the fact that I am still here, so I’m going to make it count to the best of this tired, chopped-up, and battered body’s ability.

My hope for 2024 and beyond is more than the sum of my fears. I keep going.